Having anxiety and depression sucks.
For the past two weeks, I’ve been experiencing stomach pains and fatigue. Not to sound like a pessimist, but I sometimes wish I wasn’t so tired. Staying in bed and playing Nintendo Switch helped me cope over the weekend. But I can’t do that forever.
The thing is, having depression makes me feel tired to the point of not pursuing my passion projects. Add anxiety on top of it and I end up with an unsavoury cocktail of emotions and pain. As a working mother, I struggle with balancing my own health, making sure my kid is healthy, trying to excel at my job and having food on the table.
I’m not here to garner sympathy from others. I’m just stating the reality of my life. It really sucks feeling this way. Sadly, we’re taught to keep our mouth shut about our mental health, especially to mothers. I’m not going to keep quiet about how I feel.
My old friend anxiety told me in my mind that there was no point in having social media. That I’m wasting my time doing all of this for nothing. Sadly, I believed what it told me. So, I ended up deactivating my Instagram and Facebook accounts, without explanation. I can faintly hear the hissing of agreement from anxiety, as I proceeded with the final confirmation of my deactivation.
The next day, my husband and close friends asked me why I deactivated the accounts. I didn’t have the right words to say, other than the fact that I was tired of seeing curated images from others online who seem to have their shit together. As much as I’ve learned that the curated images are actually from humans with actual feelings who aren’t perfect – in my mind, I felt that my content wasn’t up to par with others. That no matter how I’m able to post the perfect hashtags to get visibility, it just didn’t feel enough.
What I said above may sound silly. And you’re right. After writing out my actual thoughts about how I view social media as a whole, I’ve come to the conclusion that I ended up dwelling on something that shouldn’t have bothered me in the first place.
So in every sense, this post is an apology letter to those who wondered what happened to my social media accounts. As of now, it’s been reactivated.
I was reminded by my husband on one simple factor – “Just focus on creating Betsy. Don’t worry about visibility or those hashtag things. Your enjoyment comes first.”
And I’ll keep doing so.
Many thanks to those who reached out and checked up on my well being. Means a lot 💕 if you want to support my work, my handmade shop is still open. You can also check out my apparel. If you’re feeling generous, a simple donation is appreciated.